As Pride Month comes to a close, we’re proud to highlight a family-building story that reflects the power of perseverance and support. Our colleague, Matt shares the surrogacy journey he and his husband, David, went through and the lessons they learned along the way.
Can you share what first led you to explore surrogacy as part of your path to parenthood, and what that decision-making process looked like for you?
When we met, we already had two beautiful girls, Madden and Kate, from Matt’s first marriage. We decided we wanted to expand our family — together. But as two men, biology makes things much, much more complicated.
When we embarked on the journey, we considered all of the options. Given our family make up and circumstances, we opted to use an egg donor and a gestational carrier to grow our family. The decision-making process involved weighing the pros and cons, meeting with many professionals, including both surrogacy and adoption agencies, fertility specialists, and talking with other parents of queer families. It also involved a lot of financial planning and the help of fertility benefits, which are invaluable for employers to offer in order to ensure family equality and equity, and to foster an environment for all employees to grow a family if they desire.
What were some of the most unexpected emotional or logistical challenges you encountered during your surrogacy journey?
We had a lot of stops and starts in terms of finding the right family-building partners. We had conversations with several potential gestational carriers, and a couple were people we knew. In several instances, just when it seemed we’d found the right fit, things changed, which left us feeling hopeless in the moment. But we knew it was important to persevere. Eventually we found our first carrier, who was amazing and just the right match for us.
Logistically, there are just SO many things to consider. It can be overwhelming. You have to coordinate with fertility clinics and agencies and legal teams and hospitals.
The lack of inclusivity throughout the process was also striking. We encountered forms that assumed a traditional mother-father structure, regulations that had not kept pace with the many ways families are formed today, and insurance policies designed around a narrow view of parenthood. One challenge we did not anticipate was securing coverage for our newborn when Ellie was born. Resolving the issue required months of conversations with our health insurance provider and ultimately filing complaints with the state insurance agency. The policies were not well equipped to address alternative pathways to parenthood, creating unnecessary hurdles during an already significant life event. To the insurer’s credit, after careful review of our concerns, they not only resolved the issue for our family but also updated their policies to better support and serve a broader range of families.
How did you experience working with your care team at Kindbody, and in what ways did that support shape your journey?
In Kindbody, we immediately found a welcoming and supportive environment. And it started at the top with our amazing REI, Dr. Amber Cooper. Our amazing nurse practitioner, Julia Hoven, who was our go to day-to-day, was our biggest advocate. She was there to celebrate with us in the highest of highs and lowest of lows, being one of the first to hold both of our girls when they were born. (Our youngest KindBaby’s middle name is Julia after her).
Our journey was so impactful that it led me (Matt) to work for Kindbody as a senior client success executive managing partnerships with key enterprise clients. Were it not for my personal experience and a passion I have to help others navigate this journey, I wouldn’t be in this role. I truly believe Kindbody is the right reproductive health partner to support this journey for families.
I tell my clients all the time that family building is an incredibly emotional journey. Whether someone is part of the LGBTQ+ community, pursuing single parenthood by choice, or building a family with a partner, the process represents a deeply personal hope and dream. It is far more significant than a routine healthcare appointment, and it often comes with a wide range of emotions. There are moments of excitement and joy, as well as uncertainty and disappointment.
At Kindbody, our goal is to walk alongside individuals and families through every step of that journey, regardless of how their family is formed.
As a father through surrogacy, what moments during the process stand out most vividly to you now when you reflect back?
For me (Matt), the most eye-opening part of our journey was gaining a deeper understanding of what it takes to build a family. Every path to parenthood comes with its own challenges, and experiencing the process firsthand gave me an even greater appreciation for the resilience, commitment, and hope that so many people bring to it. It reinforced just how meaningful the dream of having a family is and the lengths people are willing to go to make that dream a reality.
But despite all of this, nothing is more vivid to me than two moments: On October 7, 2021 and October 19, 2023, seeing our beautiful daughters for the first time. Seeing David’s face and tears and emotion as he was realizing a dream he thought he may never get to fulfill. Holding those baby girls. Introducing them to their older sisters. It did and has made it all worth it during the challenges. And it’s why advocating for family equality is so important to both of us.
During PRIDE month, what message do you want other LGBTQ+ individuals or couples considering parenthood to hear about building a family today?
This journey has taught us the value of perseverance and the importance of visibility. There are many people who wonder whether they can fully be themselves and still build the family they dream of. Our message is simple: don’t give up.
Be patient. Family building is often a long and emotional journey, and it is important to set realistic expectations along the way. Build a strong support system because you do not have to do this alone. Just as importantly, take care of yourself. Whether you are experiencing moments of joy or facing setbacks, make time for self care. Take a break when you need one. Talk to a therapist. Spend time doing things that bring you happiness. Do not lose sight of your own well being.
Most of all, know that you are valued, supported, and not alone. There are people, communities, and organizations like Kindbody who stand ready to come alongside and support you.
